The Last Judgement

Yes, we are ridiculous whatever we do. Me, for example, I am hitting the streets of London soon. I will finish my life there. Not because I would like to but because I have to. I know very well that I do not decide about my life. I have lived as a writer for some years and my writing has not earned me a penny. I have tried a job or too but I came to a conclusion it was not a way to follow. Now there is no job for me and in my honesty I would like to confirm there has never been a long-term job for me. I was designed to write and I have tried to sustain myself by honest means as long as I could. I may go begging yet but it is a question of time for how long it can support me.

I do not know what the coming and inevitable hunger will drive me to. I am excluded from the social welfare system. I can consider now if staying alive is worth starving. Whether there is a point in starving to death or whether I should cut it short. The answer should be that as long as I can hold my pen and write down words I can never be sure I should not be around. Well, it means starving and suffering. I will most likely catch some nasty diseases, of which I can also die.

The saddest thing is that I really mean it. It is sad because it is so irrational. It must have been clear to me and it has always been that writing will not earn me a penny. And yet I refuse any other way of income. I refuse it for two reasons. The first is that my vocation should enable me to stay alive in tolerable conditions. If it does not then I do not owe it to anyone and my life is pointless. The second reason is that I am not destined for any other work. The latter is more disputable, how can I be so sure of it? And why cannot I do anything simple to live on?

Even if I overlooked the first reason, I would not overcome the second. I have always known that I must live on something else but writing. I have never found such a means of income. If I did for a short time, the life it brought about was unbearable and I could not follow that path for long. Now I am tired, disappointed, hurt and resigned. I am waiting for the stake to go up in flames, though I do not know what I am punished for. Most likely for being what I am because the world cannot bear me such. I do not know what surprising or incomprehensible there is in my reasoning. It is obvious that if it has to be so, my way of life cannot be sanctioned in any society.

What am I wating for? What message do I want to convey? If I sum it up, I am a case of a person who, for some reason or without it, had to do what he did and the result was he did not have a place to live and money to buy food. If the basic principle of this society lies in the following equation: work = money, then in my case holds: work = nothing. My work is, with respect to this basic socio-economic rule, non-existent. I must admit, with reference to this socio-economic rule, I have never done anything and it is only correct I am losing my right for life.

I cannot blame it on anyone, the society or me. I can never be sure enough I should not have done anything else. But what for? Are there not enough other people for other jobs? Would there be a point in my forcing myself into something I cannot do or do not want to do? I do not think so. If that was true then I might just as well wait to be assigned something by some authorities. I do not want to be another person in a wrong place. And I believe I am not a person letting his right place wait. There is not a right place for me.

It does not amount to more than babbling of a cancerous mind. Yes, I want you to feel sorry for myself. I am not shy to appear so shamelessly nasty. There is not a reason to hide what one really is. (What is more, there is no reason to look for the support of any reasons anyway.) If I disgust someone, they probably do not know what I am talking about. Those who know will either condemn or understand me without an approval. There is no place for an approval. My case cannot be accepted. (I mean my hidden appeal for allowing me to survive under given conditions.) The most anyone can do is to agree with my conclusions for they are so sparklingly obvious.